Hehehe!shrinkingman wrote: ↑10 Dec 2020 14:04 They told me I’d never be any good at poetry, because I’m dyslexic, but so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase.
Have a Laugh
Re: Have a Laugh
There's no such thing as a free lunch
Re: Have a Laugh
“Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are."
BY Paulo Coelho
BY Paulo Coelho
Re: Have a Laugh
Clever
“Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are."
BY Paulo Coelho
BY Paulo Coelho
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carless-jane
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Re: Have a Laugh
Saw this, thought of D5 ! 
Re: Have a Laugh
“Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are."
BY Paulo Coelho
BY Paulo Coelho
Re: Have a Laugh
That might not have been a bad thing...
Whilst I am a moderator, I am NOT posting in that capacity unless I explicitly say so
Re: Have a Laugh
SERIOUS LOCK DOWN ADVICE..I think!
Everyone PLEASE be careful because people are going crazy from being locked down at home!
I was just talking about this with the microwave and the kettle while drinking my tea, and we all agreed that things are getting bad.
I didn’t mention any of this to the washing machine, because she puts a different spin on EVERYTHING!! Certainly couldn’t share with the fridge, cause he’s been acting cold and distant!
In the end, the iron straightened me out! She said the situation isn’t all that pressing and all the wrinkles will soon get ironed out!
The vacuum, however, was very unsympathetic…told me to just suck it up! But the fan was VERY optimistic and gave me hope that it will all blow over soon!
The toilet looked a bit flushed but didn’t say anything when I asked its opinion, but the front door said goodbye 2020. I was becoming unhinged and the doorknob told me to get a grip!! You can just about guess what the curtains told me: they told me to “pull myself together!”
We will survive!!
Pass it on - gotta keep the humour!
There's no such thing as a free lunch
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Voiceoftreason?
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Re: Have a Laugh
What do you call a hen that’s good with numbers?
A mathmaCHICKEN
A mathmaCHICKEN
Disclaimer: it wasn't me as wot said it, it was my iPad spellchecker!
Re: Have a Laugh
Whilst I am a moderator, I am NOT posting in that capacity unless I explicitly say so
Re: Have a Laugh
My kindergarten-aged daughter suddenly announced just before school that she needed to take a clean tee shirt to class. She told us the teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it.
My wife frantically swept through my daughter's room, finding nothing usable but one tee shirt that already had something printed on one side. She sent it off to school with my daughter.
That afternoon, my daughter returned and happily showed off her shirt.
On one side it said, "Families are Forever."
And on the other, "Be Smart, Don't Start."
My wife frantically swept through my daughter's room, finding nothing usable but one tee shirt that already had something printed on one side. She sent it off to school with my daughter.
That afternoon, my daughter returned and happily showed off her shirt.
On one side it said, "Families are Forever."
And on the other, "Be Smart, Don't Start."
"Every place that I have been leaves its message on my skin. So many prophecies, so many signs, so little time, so little time" - Alan Prosser/Ian Telfer
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maggieaitch
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Re: Have a Laugh
Is this the thread you are looking for Pi ?
Re: Have a Laugh
A couple who work at the circus go to an adoption agency.
Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
The couple produces photos of their 50 foot motor home, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects
Along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."
Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.
"Our nanny is an expert in pediatric welfare and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied.
They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter, as long as he fits in the cannon."
Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
The couple produces photos of their 50 foot motor home, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects
Along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."
Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.
"Our nanny is an expert in pediatric welfare and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied.
They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter, as long as he fits in the cannon."
Whilst I am a moderator, I am NOT posting in that capacity unless I explicitly say so
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maggieaitch
- Super Contributor
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- Joined: 09 Feb 2013 16:42
Re: Have a Laugh
That was a good "laugh out loud " joke. Thanks Poo.
Re: Have a Laugh
This made me smile....
IDIOT SIGHTING No.1
My daughter and I went to the McDonald's checkout to pay our bill and I gave the clerk a £5 note.
Our total bill was £4.20, so I also handed her a 20 pence piece.
She said, 'You gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.'
She sighed and went to get the Manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but we do not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at MacDonald's in St Albans , Hertfordshire.!!
IDIOT SIGHTING No2
We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a moment, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used Garador repair since.
Happened in Moor Park , near Watford .
IDIOT SIGHTING No3
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the 'DEER CROSSING' sign from our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars on this stretch of road!
I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing, any-more.'
Story from Potters Bar, Hertfordshire.
IDIOT SIGHTING No 4
My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken and ordered a Taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg Lettuce.
From South Oxhey , Hertfordshire.
IDIOT SIGHTING No 5
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened at Luton Airport
IDIOT SIGHTING No 6
The traffic light on the corner buzzes when the lights turn red and it is safe to cross the road. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged friend of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a Local County Council employee in St Albans ,
Hertfordshire. (And she's NOT blonde)
IDIOT SIGHTING No7
When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the Service Department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the Driver's door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door-handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'it's open!'
His reply: 'I know. I already did that side.'
This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans , Hertfordshire.
STAY ALERT!
IDIOT SIGHTING No.1
My daughter and I went to the McDonald's checkout to pay our bill and I gave the clerk a £5 note.
Our total bill was £4.20, so I also handed her a 20 pence piece.
She said, 'You gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.'
She sighed and went to get the Manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but we do not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at MacDonald's in St Albans , Hertfordshire.!!
IDIOT SIGHTING No2
We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a moment, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used Garador repair since.
Happened in Moor Park , near Watford .
IDIOT SIGHTING No3
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the 'DEER CROSSING' sign from our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars on this stretch of road!
I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing, any-more.'
Story from Potters Bar, Hertfordshire.
IDIOT SIGHTING No 4
My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken and ordered a Taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg Lettuce.
From South Oxhey , Hertfordshire.
IDIOT SIGHTING No 5
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened at Luton Airport
IDIOT SIGHTING No 6
The traffic light on the corner buzzes when the lights turn red and it is safe to cross the road. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged friend of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a Local County Council employee in St Albans ,
Hertfordshire. (And she's NOT blonde)
IDIOT SIGHTING No7
When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the Service Department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the Driver's door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door-handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'it's open!'
His reply: 'I know. I already did that side.'
This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans , Hertfordshire.
STAY ALERT!
Oldman........
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they annoyed me........................
I hug everybody –
It’s not affection, I’m just measuring up how big a hole I need to dig for the body!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they annoyed me........................
I hug everybody –
It’s not affection, I’m just measuring up how big a hole I need to dig for the body!
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ChipbuttyG
- Super Contributor
- Posts: 789
- Joined: 13 Sep 2021 09:50
Re: Have a Laugh
Tottenham Hotspur.
Re: Have a Laugh
Ah classic case of assumption making something supposedly funny fall very flat
Myself and many on the forum don’t like / follow nor interested in football so have no idea why a random team name is on this thread
Fail!
Myself and many on the forum don’t like / follow nor interested in football so have no idea why a random team name is on this thread
Fail!
Oldman........
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they annoyed me........................
I hug everybody –
It’s not affection, I’m just measuring up how big a hole I need to dig for the body!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they annoyed me........................
I hug everybody –
It’s not affection, I’m just measuring up how big a hole I need to dig for the body!
Re: Have a Laugh
7 year old - Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Mum - probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system!
7 year old - *blank face* *small voice* You get tinselitis
Mum - probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system!
7 year old - *blank face* *small voice* You get tinselitis
"Every place that I have been leaves its message on my skin. So many prophecies, so many signs, so little time, so little time" - Alan Prosser/Ian Telfer
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ChipbuttyG
- Super Contributor
- Posts: 789
- Joined: 13 Sep 2021 09:50
Re: Have a Laugh
That's fine OM. I'm sure some people do and don't enjoy your essays about your commute in the morning. But somebody on the board might like or get my joke even if you didn't.
Any way - this is a light hearted thread, no need to turn it serious......
Re: Have a Laugh
Wonky!
Oldman........
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they annoyed me........................
I hug everybody –
It’s not affection, I’m just measuring up how big a hole I need to dig for the body!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they annoyed me........................
I hug everybody –
It’s not affection, I’m just measuring up how big a hole I need to dig for the body!
Re: Have a Laugh
Every Christmas I'd come running downstairs to the big pile of presents and start unwrapping them as fast as I could.
Sometimes there would be fights over who had the best toys but we would all make up later and sit down to have a three hour lunch before watching TV for the rest of the day.
I really love working at the Royal Mail sorting office!
Sometimes there would be fights over who had the best toys but we would all make up later and sit down to have a three hour lunch before watching TV for the rest of the day.
I really love working at the Royal Mail sorting office!
Oldman........
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they annoyed me........................
I hug everybody –
It’s not affection, I’m just measuring up how big a hole I need to dig for the body!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they annoyed me........................
I hug everybody –
It’s not affection, I’m just measuring up how big a hole I need to dig for the body!
Re: Have a Laugh
You don't need a Twitter account to access this - should be available for all
Whilst I am a moderator, I am NOT posting in that capacity unless I explicitly say so
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Voiceoftreason?
- Super Contributor
- Posts: 16486
- Joined: 04 Jun 2013 21:14
Re: Have a Laugh
Absolutely brilliant! The Alledged nearly p’d his pants.
Disclaimer: it wasn't me as wot said it, it was my iPad spellchecker!
Re: Have a Laugh
A Boxing Day walk in the rain
Sometimes I think I'm insane
I'll get soaking wet
On that, you can bet
But I'm likely to do it again
Pinched from another site
Sometimes I think I'm insane
I'll get soaking wet
On that, you can bet
But I'm likely to do it again
Pinched from another site
Re: Have a Laugh
Pinched off FB posted by a mate -
Me and my Mrs are getting married and we’ve been going to loads of wedding fairs.
We went to a “wedding festival” the other day.
Anyway, we were walking round this wedding festival looking at the different stalls and then Jonathon Ross and his wife turn up looking really upset, carrying a tent and wearing festival gear.
His wife turned to him and said................................ “next time Jon - I’ll ask for directions! ”
Me and my Mrs are getting married and we’ve been going to loads of wedding fairs.
We went to a “wedding festival” the other day.
Anyway, we were walking round this wedding festival looking at the different stalls and then Jonathon Ross and his wife turn up looking really upset, carrying a tent and wearing festival gear.
His wife turned to him and said................................ “next time Jon - I’ll ask for directions! ”
Oldman........
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they annoyed me........................
I hug everybody –
It’s not affection, I’m just measuring up how big a hole I need to dig for the body!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they annoyed me........................
I hug everybody –
It’s not affection, I’m just measuring up how big a hole I need to dig for the body!
Re: Have a Laugh
“Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are."
BY Paulo Coelho
BY Paulo Coelho
Re: Have a Laugh
Oldman........
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they annoyed me........................
I hug everybody –
It’s not affection, I’m just measuring up how big a hole I need to dig for the body!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they annoyed me........................
I hug everybody –
It’s not affection, I’m just measuring up how big a hole I need to dig for the body!
Re: Have a Laugh
“Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are."
BY Paulo Coelho
BY Paulo Coelho
Re: Have a Laugh
OK, I admit it - I did No. 3 today
but there were mitigating circumstances - I received 2 messages within seconds - and replied to the wrong one, whilst trying to prepare dinner!There's no such thing as a free lunch
Re: Have a Laugh
Sorry saw this, made me smile so had to post it!
Oldman........
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they annoyed me........................
I hug everybody –
It’s not affection, I’m just measuring up how big a hole I need to dig for the body!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they annoyed me........................
I hug everybody –
It’s not affection, I’m just measuring up how big a hole I need to dig for the body!
