Have a Laugh

General chat forum
User avatar
OLDMAN
Moderator
Posts: 22063
Joined: 24 Oct 2007 09:03

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by OLDMAN »

What is faster than the quickness of thought, a blink of an eye and the speed of light?
Answer -
diarrhoea - because the other day I wasn't feeling too good and I ran to the bathroom, but before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I had already sh*t myself!
Oldman........

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they annoyed me........................

I hug everybody –
It’s not affection, I’m just measuring up how big a hole I need to dig for the body!
User avatar
Ollycat
Super Contributor
Posts: 820
Joined: 02 Jul 2010 11:20

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Ollycat »

Deleted.
Last edited by Ollycat on 15 Oct 2020 09:59, edited 1 time in total.
Don't judge me by the newspaper I read
User avatar
lizwing
Super Contributor
Posts: 15064
Joined: 01 Sep 2010 12:21

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by lizwing »

The police department in the small hill country town of Kerrville, Texas, reported finding a man's body last Saturday, in the early evening, in the Pedernales River near the state highway-87 bridge. The dead man's name would not be released until his family had been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while visiting "someone" in Fredericksburg. When he was found, he was wearing black fishnet stockings, 10 inch spiked heels, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick, dazzle dust on his eyelids, 2 1/2 inch false eyelashes, and a Trump T-shirt.

The police removed the Trump T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.
“Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are."
BY Paulo Coelho
User avatar
Bam
Super Contributor
Posts: 8301
Joined: 05 Feb 2003 19:40

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Bam »

20201016_190622.jpg
User avatar
lizwing
Super Contributor
Posts: 15064
Joined: 01 Sep 2010 12:21

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by lizwing »

😄
“Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are."
BY Paulo Coelho
User avatar
Bam
Super Contributor
Posts: 8301
Joined: 05 Feb 2003 19:40

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Bam »

One for Halloween
20201031_165738.jpg
User avatar
piwacket
Moderator
Posts: 31370
Joined: 15 Aug 2006 22:05

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by piwacket »

Oooh Bam! :))
There's no such thing as a free lunch
User avatar
Bam
Super Contributor
Posts: 8301
Joined: 05 Feb 2003 19:40

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Bam »

20201122_114319.jpg
User avatar
piwacket
Moderator
Posts: 31370
Joined: 15 Aug 2006 22:05

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by piwacket »

Oh so true Bam! :))
I’d tape it to the floor!
There's no such thing as a free lunch
User avatar
lizwing
Super Contributor
Posts: 15064
Joined: 01 Sep 2010 12:21

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by lizwing »

I sent that to my son and he said Tipsy causes all sorts of a nuisance when he’s on a video call, last time she was so cross she jumped on the keyboard and cut him off!
“Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are."
BY Paulo Coelho
User avatar
piwacket
Moderator
Posts: 31370
Joined: 15 Aug 2006 22:05

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by piwacket »

lizwing wrote: 23 Nov 2020 22:06 ....jumped on the keyboard and cut him off!
... that’s what mine does too! :banghead: especially if it’s anywhere near feeding time! On occasion I’ve come in here, because she’s stepped on some key(s) and I’m getting problems thereafter!
There's no such thing as a free lunch
User avatar
OLDMAN
Moderator
Posts: 22063
Joined: 24 Oct 2007 09:03

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by OLDMAN »

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminium can stuffed with celery?
17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
Oldman........

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they annoyed me........................

I hug everybody –
It’s not affection, I’m just measuring up how big a hole I need to dig for the body!
User avatar
OLDMAN
Moderator
Posts: 22063
Joined: 24 Oct 2007 09:03

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by OLDMAN »

Makes you think about it -
greta.jpg
greta.jpg (9.22 KiB) Viewed 1188 times
One crisp winter morning in Sweden, a cute little girl named Greta woke up to a perfect world, one where there were no petroleum products ruining the earth. She tossed aside her cotton sheet and wool blanket and stepped out onto a dirt floor covered with willow bark that had been pulverized with rocks. “What’s this?” she asked.
“Pulverized willow bark,” replied her fairy godmother.
“What happened to the carpet?” she asked.
“The carpet was nylon, which is made from butadiene and hydrogen cyanide, both made from petroleum,” came the response.
Greta smiled, acknowledging that adjustments are necessary to save the planet, and moved to the sink to brush her teeth where instead of a toothbrush, she found a willow, mangled on one end to expose wood fibre bristles.
“Your old toothbrush?” noted her godmother, “Also nylon.”
“Where’s the water?” asked Greta.
“Down the road in the canal,” replied her godmother, ‘Just make sure you avoid water with cholera in it”
“Why’s there no running water?” Greta asked, becoming a little peevish.
“Well,” said her godmother, who happened to teach engineering at MIT, “Where do we begin?” There followed a long monologue about how sink valves need elastomer seats and how copper pipes contain copper, which has to be mined and how it’s impossible to make all-electric earth-moving equipment with no gear lubrication or tires and how ore has to be smelted to a make metal, and that’s tough to do with only electricity as a source of heat, and even if you use only electricity, the wires need insulation, which is petroleum-based, and though most of Sweden’s energy is produced in an environmentally friendly way because of hydro and nuclear, if you do a mass and energy balance around the whole system, you still need lots of petroleum products like lubricants and nylon and rubber for tires and asphalt for filling potholes and wax and iPhone plastic and elastic to hold your underwear up while operating a copper smelting furnace and . . .
“What’s for breakfast?” interjected Greta, whose head was hurting.
"Fresh, range-fed chicken eggs,” replied her godmother. “Raw.”
“How so, raw?” inquired Greta.
“Well, . . .” And once again, Greta was told about the need for petroleum products like transformer oil and scores of petroleum products essential for producing metals for frying pans and in the end was educated about how you can’t have a petroleum-free world and then cook eggs. Unless you rip your front fence up and start a fire and carefully cook your egg in an orange peel like you do in Boy Scouts. Not that you can find oranges in Sweden anymore.
“But I want poached eggs like my Aunt Tilda makes,” lamented Greta.
“Tilda died this morning,” the godmother explained. “Bacterial pneumonia.”
“What?!” interjected Greta. “No one dies of bacterial pneumonia! We have penicillin.”
“Not anymore,” explained godmother “The production of penicillin requires chemical extraction using isobutyl acetate, which, if you know your organic chemistry, is petroleum-based. Lots of people are dying, which is problematic because there’s not any easy way of disposing of the bodies since backhoes need hydraulic oil and crematoriums can’t really burn many bodies using as fuel Swedish fences and furniture, which are rapidly disappearing - being used on the black market for roasting eggs and staying warm.”
This represents only a fraction of Greta’s day, a day without microphones to exclaim into and a day without much food, and a day without carbon-fibre boats to sail in, but a day that will save the planet.
Tune in tomorrow when Greta needs a root canal and learns how Novocain is synthesized.
Oldman........

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they annoyed me........................

I hug everybody –
It’s not affection, I’m just measuring up how big a hole I need to dig for the body!
Fed-up
Super Contributor
Posts: 5287
Joined: 05 Jun 2013 12:28

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Fed-up »

FB_IMG_1605731684743.jpg
"Every place that I have been leaves its message on my skin. So many prophecies, so many signs, so little time, so little time" - Alan Prosser/Ian Telfer
KeithW
Super Contributor
Posts: 2094
Joined: 27 Jan 2019 15:29

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by KeithW »

OLDMAN wrote: 24 Nov 2020 13:23 Makes you think about it -
greta.jpg

<snip>
Come on, OLDMAN, that's nothing but an unfunny Aunt Sally alt-right cut and paste diatribe. IMO, of course.
User avatar
Bam
Super Contributor
Posts: 8301
Joined: 05 Feb 2003 19:40

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Bam »

20201123_174435.jpg
User avatar
OLDMAN
Moderator
Posts: 22063
Joined: 24 Oct 2007 09:03

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by OLDMAN »

KeithW wrote: 24 Nov 2020 14:29
OLDMAN wrote: 24 Nov 2020 13:23 Makes you think about it -
greta.jpg

<snip>
Come on, OLDMAN, that's nothing but an unfunny Aunt Sally alt-right cut and paste diatribe. IMO, of course.
So far the ‘private’ FB site I got it from has had 4300 ‘likes’ and it was only posted 3 hours ago
Oldman........

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they annoyed me........................

I hug everybody –
It’s not affection, I’m just measuring up how big a hole I need to dig for the body!
User avatar
Bam
Super Contributor
Posts: 8301
Joined: 05 Feb 2003 19:40

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Bam »

I thought the Greta post had more than a grain of truth Oldman. Puts things in perspective but she has the right spirit even if her quest is nigh impossdible.

And we have to keep this thread light hearted. If you don't like a post just move on.
Pooneil
Moderator
Posts: 8134
Joined: 10 May 2011 00:57

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Pooneil »

OLDMAN wrote: 24 Nov 2020 15:04
KeithW wrote: 24 Nov 2020 14:29
OLDMAN wrote: 24 Nov 2020 13:23 Makes you think about it -
greta.jpg
<snip>
Come on, OLDMAN, that's nothing but an unfunny Aunt Sally alt-right cut and paste diatribe. IMO, of course.
So far the ‘private’ FB site I got it from has had 4300 ‘likes’ and it was only posted 3 hours ago
Which means precisely nothing - I'm sure I could find FB sites with 4,300 likes for posts advocating lynching, sexual violence and racism, too.
Bam wrote: 24 Nov 2020 15:34I thought the Greta post had more than a grain of truth Oldman.
It would have a grain of truth in it if she advocated the complete and immediate cessation of all use of any products deriving from crude oil. Which she doesn't. It's about as realistic and relevant as writing a piece about how Colin Brown of the Motorcylce Action Group demands a world in which nobody but motorcyclists are allowed to use the road, and the ramifications of such a demand, based upon the wilful misnterpretation of the statement "As motorcyclists, we have to face the accusations and vilification of our legitimate choice of transport mode, whilst simultaneously suffering a near complete lack of interest in making the roads safer for us."
Whilst I am a moderator, I am NOT posting in that capacity unless I explicitly say so
User avatar
shrinkingman
Super Contributor
Posts: 799
Joined: 20 Feb 2008 13:09

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by shrinkingman »

I met a bishop the other day.

I was really disappointed when he didn't move diagonally.
User avatar
shrinkingman
Super Contributor
Posts: 799
Joined: 20 Feb 2008 13:09

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by shrinkingman »

A skeleton walks into a pub and says "Pint of lager and a mop please".
User avatar
lizwing
Super Contributor
Posts: 15064
Joined: 01 Sep 2010 12:21

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by lizwing »

😄😄
“Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are."
BY Paulo Coelho
Pooneil
Moderator
Posts: 8134
Joined: 10 May 2011 00:57

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Pooneil »

File under disastrous first dates - panic when you can't flush a poo...
Whilst I am a moderator, I am NOT posting in that capacity unless I explicitly say so
User avatar
OLDMAN
Moderator
Posts: 22063
Joined: 24 Oct 2007 09:03

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by OLDMAN »

Good one, and that made me laugh when I saw it the first time around – mainly as back in the late 70’s an old work mate once told me what he did
On a second date with a gorgeous girl, got invited back to her place all ready for some rumpty pumpty, popped to the bathroom for a pee, passed wind and………….followed through BIG time
So it was then a quick head round the bedroom door and say goodbye and legged it - and too embarrassed to ever speak to the girl again
Oldman........

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they annoyed me........................

I hug everybody –
It’s not affection, I’m just measuring up how big a hole I need to dig for the body!
Pooneil
Moderator
Posts: 8134
Joined: 10 May 2011 00:57

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Pooneil »

Brilliant collection of Corona Christmas songs.
Whilst I am a moderator, I am NOT posting in that capacity unless I explicitly say so
KeithW
Super Contributor
Posts: 2094
Joined: 27 Jan 2019 15:29

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by KeithW »

Pooneil wrote: 04 Dec 2020 13:13 Brilliant collection of Corona Christmas songs.
SLNT!
User avatar
lizwing
Super Contributor
Posts: 15064
Joined: 01 Sep 2010 12:21

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by lizwing »

2E6787CA-4859-4C47-A307-294382DAC39E.jpeg
2E6787CA-4859-4C47-A307-294382DAC39E.jpeg (4.76 KiB) Viewed 960 times
“Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are."
BY Paulo Coelho
User avatar
Bam
Super Contributor
Posts: 8301
Joined: 05 Feb 2003 19:40

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Bam »

Scotch egg!!!!! You must be yolking.
User avatar
carless-jane
Super Contributor
Posts: 808
Joined: 03 Oct 2009 16:51

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by carless-jane »

For all who have already put their Christmas decorations up, and who are also owned by a cat ! :cat1:
catbauble.png
User avatar
piwacket
Moderator
Posts: 31370
Joined: 15 Aug 2006 22:05

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by piwacket »

carless-jane wrote: 08 Dec 2020 11:14 For all who have already put their Christmas decorations up, and who are also owned by a cat ! :cat1:
:)) oh so true! We no longer have a tree with baubles!... or without! But we do have some decorations :)
There's no such thing as a free lunch
User avatar
lizwing
Super Contributor
Posts: 15064
Joined: 01 Sep 2010 12:21

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by lizwing »

Hopefully we shall have a small furry visitor for Christmas but the only thing she seems interested in is the lametta so I try to only put that on the higher branches.
“Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are."
BY Paulo Coelho
User avatar
Bam
Super Contributor
Posts: 8301
Joined: 05 Feb 2003 19:40

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Bam »

Lizwing. A cat in our family died after eating lametta. I would not risk it in the house.
User avatar
lizwing
Super Contributor
Posts: 15064
Joined: 01 Sep 2010 12:21

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by lizwing »

I think Tipsy has more sense, she’s old enough not to bother with it but I do keep it to the higher branches.
“Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are."
BY Paulo Coelho
User avatar
OLDMAN
Moderator
Posts: 22063
Joined: 24 Oct 2007 09:03

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by OLDMAN »

xmasdic.jpg
Oldman........

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they annoyed me........................

I hug everybody –
It’s not affection, I’m just measuring up how big a hole I need to dig for the body!
User avatar
shrinkingman
Super Contributor
Posts: 799
Joined: 20 Feb 2008 13:09

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by shrinkingman »

They told me I’d never be any good at poetry, because I’m dyslexic, but so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase.
Post Reply

Return to “Chatty Person”