Have a Laugh

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lizwing
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by lizwing »

“Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are."
BY Paulo Coelho
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lizwing
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by lizwing »

Sorry the first link doesn’t work
“Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are."
BY Paulo Coelho
Pooneil
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Pooneil »

Rubbing a lamp today, a genie appeared. Apparently inflation has taken its toll and we only get one wish these days, so I asked to live forever. "Can't have that one," said the genie, "infinite wishes are not allowed". (I should have read the terms and conditions on the bottom of the lamp before I started.)
"OK, then," I replied, "I'd like to die the day after the House of Commons is entirely full of honest, hardworking, bi-partisan MPs working solely for the good of the people, putting country before party."
"Oh you clever barsteward!" exclaimed the genie...
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BOY RACER
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by BOY RACER »

:roflol3: :goodposting: Poo.
I may be a founder member of the “Grumpy Old Men’s Club” but I never complain. :whistle1:
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lizwing
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by lizwing »

“Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are."
BY Paulo Coelho
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Bentley
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Bentley »

Crossword question; " Scottish Doctor without pants."
Answer: "Knickerless Surgeon".
I did it my way.
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by BOY RACER »

Thank you Bentley

Had a bit of a frustrating afternoon, then read your thread and had a good laugh. Frustration gone.

Then I noticed that the previous post was March this year and the one before that was January. Not a great deal of mirth being expressed on the thread. Then I re read Pooneil’s post and wondered if that was the reason.

Sad.
I may be a founder member of the “Grumpy Old Men’s Club” but I never complain. :whistle1:
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Pooneil »

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by j9j9j9 »

.
Last edited by j9j9j9 on 14 May 2020 10:20, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Bam »

20191006_150819.jpg
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piwacket
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by piwacket »

Good to have a few giggles on here :)
There's no such thing as a free lunch
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Bam »

20191018_161631.jpg
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by berniecharlotte »

Two snakes in the jungle.Fred and Bert.
Fred says to Bert "are we biters or crushers"
Bert says "we're crushers"
Fred says "thank goodness, I've just bitten my tongue"
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by lizwing »

F5FE6AB1-51B7-4481-AE8E-D1420B52B18C.png
“Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are."
BY Paulo Coelho
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Bam »

:goodposting: Lizwing :-)
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by berniecharlotte »

Great stuff
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Pooneil »

Far from new, but I don't think it's been here before...

1. Law of Mechanical Repair -
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity -
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

3. Law of Probability -
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers -
If you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged signal; someone always answers.

5. Variation Law -
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

6. Law of the Bath -
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

7. Law of Close Encounters -
The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

8. Law of the Result -
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

9. Law of Biomechanics -
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

10. Law of the Theatre & Sports Stadia -
At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

11. The Coffee Law -
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

12. Murphy's Law of Lockers -
If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

13. Law of Physical Surfaces -
The chances of a dropped slice of marmalade on toast landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

14. Law of Logical Argument -
Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

15. Law of Physical Appearance -
If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

16. Law of Public Speaking --
A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!

17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy -
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the shop will stop selling it!

18. Doctors' Law -
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor; by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by mikejee »

Surely you can add the Law of the Covid - when you have left your gel at home, your nose will always develop an irritating itch
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Pooneil »

I was going to tell you a joke about time travel, but you didn't find it funny.
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by OLDMAN »

Phoned B&Q to ask how big the queue was

They told me the same size as the ‘B’
Oldman........

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they annoyed me........................

I hug everybody –
It’s not affection, I’m just measuring up how big a hole I need to dig for the body!
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by piwacket »

Good to have a giggle again :)
There's no such thing as a free lunch
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lizwing
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by lizwing »

I've just got a job making plastic Draculas.

There are only two of us on the production line...

So I have to make every second Count.
“Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are."
BY Paulo Coelho
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by KeithW »

lizwing wrote: 17 Jun 2020 14:18 I've just got a job making plastic Draculas.

There are only two of us on the production line...

So I have to make every second Count.
I don't know if that was Tommy Cooper, but I can almost hear him say it.
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by piwacket »

Questions on the Bible Stories
As seen on FB: and on another Forum

Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. if you know the bible, even a little, you'll find this hilarious! It comes from a Caithness school test.

Kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. The following 25 statements about the bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected. incorrect spelling has been left in.


1. In the first book of the bible, Guinness. god got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.
2. Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.
3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
4. The jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
6. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.
7. Moses led the jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
8. The egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to mount cyanide to get the ten commandments.
9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached canada then Joshua led the hebrews in the battle of geritol.
12. The greatest miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the magna carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.
20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.
23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24. St. Paul cavorted to christianity, he preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marraige.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
There's no such thing as a free lunch
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mikejee
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by mikejee »

Very good Pi.
To stir things up I will say that 9 & 10 have a definite ring of truth in them
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lizwing
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by lizwing »

I love 25 😀
“Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are."
BY Paulo Coelho
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piwacket
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by piwacket »

I thought D5 might be interested in No. 7

Also liked 24 & 25 :)

23 is a bit of puzzler? I get the opossums but ....
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Mayfield »

#3 is a riot....was he happy with his lot 😟

#25 🙄🙄🙄
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Voiceoftreason? »

17 😳
Disclaimer: it wasn't me as wot said it, it was my iPad spellchecker!
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by maggieaitch »

Solomon's life must have been a bit prickly.
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Pooneil »

A race of aliens visits earth one day; they come in peace and surprisingly, they speak English.
Obviously all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors.
When it's the pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our lord and savior Jesus Christ?"
"You mean J.C?" responds the head alien. "Yeah we know him he's the greatest isn't he? He swings by every year to make sure that we are doing ok".
Surprised, the pope exclaims "He visits every year?! It's been nearly 2000 years and we're still waiting for his SECOND coming!"
The alien sees that the pope has become irate at this fact and starts trying to rationalize "Maybe he likes our chocolate better than yours?"
The pope retorts "Chocolates? What are you talking about? What does that have to do with anything?"
The alien says "Yeah, when he FIRST visited our planet we gave him a huge box of chocolates. Why? What did you guys do?"
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by THC »

Kent should be able to cope with Brexit better than the rest of the country, they've already got a Deal.

It’s between Dover and Broadstairs.
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by OLDMAN »

rabbit.jpg
Oldman........

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they annoyed me........................

I hug everybody –
It’s not affection, I’m just measuring up how big a hole I need to dig for the body!
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Bentley
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Bentley »

THC wrote: 25 Sep 2020 20:57 Kent should be able to cope with Brexit better than the rest of the country, they've already got a Deal.

It’s between Dover and Broadstairs.
it's between the UK & the EU :roflol3:
I did it my way.
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Bentley
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Bentley »

My dog is Sad.
I call him Melon.
He's a Collie.
I did it my way.
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