Have a Laugh

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lizwing
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by lizwing »

Everyone, by now, has heard of the Air Force’s ultra-high-security, secret base in Nevada, known simply as Area 51.
Late one afternoon, a Cessna 172 touches down on the runway at Area 51.
Immediately, three armored personal carriers loaded with heavily armed Air Police surrouned the Cessna.
They immediately impounded the aircraft, cuffed the pilot, and hauled him into an
Interrogation room.
The pilot’s story was that he took off from Reno, got lost, and spotted the base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Security started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him in the stockade overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn’t a spy.
They fueled up his airplane, gave him a terrifying butt-chewing and the “you-did-not-see-a-base-here” briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison.
They then gave him the compass heading to Reno and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Area 51 Security, the same Cessna landed again. Again, the AP’s surrounded the plane, and to their surprise, this time there were two people on the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and yelled, “Do anything you want to me, but my wife is on the plane with me, and you have to tell her where I was last night!”
“Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are."
BY Paulo Coelho
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Voiceoftreason?
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Voiceoftreason? »

:roflol3: OM
Disclaimer: it wasn't me as wot said it, it was my iPad spellchecker!
Yola

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Yola »

Voiceoftreason? wrote: 07 Oct 2017 21:33 :roflol3: OM
Yup. 😂😂😂😂
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piwacket
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by piwacket »

Blonde men.... :whistle1:

A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do...it's for dry hair, and I've already wet mine."
-----------------------

A blonde man sees a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND."
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
----------------------

A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her First Child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
-----------------------

A blonde man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
----------------------

An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde man replies: "Duh, If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
---------------------

A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
---------------------

Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

----------------------

A woman phoned her blonde man neighbor and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are intimate. The whole street was watching and laughing at YOU yesterday."
To which the blonde man replied: "Ah - Well the joke's on "ALL OF YOU" because I wasn't even at home yesterday!
There's no such thing as a free lunch
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Voiceoftreason?
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Voiceoftreason? »

Lololol. Brilliant.
Disclaimer: it wasn't me as wot said it, it was my iPad spellchecker!
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OLDMAN
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by OLDMAN »

Its funny but I've heard all those before, either as blonde female or Irish!

And even the Irish tell the same ones about Kerrymen!
Oldman........

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they annoyed me........................

I hug everybody –
It’s not affection, I’m just measuring up how big a hole I need to dig for the body!
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by lizwing »

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old .. . . . I'm telling everybody!'
“Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are."
BY Paulo Coelho
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piwacket
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by piwacket »

:roflol3: :roflol3:
There's no such thing as a free lunch
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Re: Have a Laugh

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Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and heartbroken Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
“Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are."
BY Paulo Coelho
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by lizwing »

During a lull between the speeches at the recent presidential swearing-in ceremony, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with the Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson.

"You know, I bought Donald a parrot for Christmas. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to pronounce over two hundred words!"

"Wow, that's pretty impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize that he just speaks the words, ...he doesn't really understand what they mean."

"Oh, I know," replied Melania," neither does the parrot."
“Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are."
BY Paulo Coelho
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lizwing
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by lizwing »

Some more Tim Vine's one-liners

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.''

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it....

"Exit signs - they're on the way out aren't they?." "

This bloke said to me, 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."

"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet."

The price of hearing aids has gone up?Deaf people across the country are going "how much?"
“Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are."
BY Paulo Coelho
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lizwing
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by lizwing »

A good friend of mine who works in the medical profession has been struck off. He slept with one of his patients, and as a result is no longer allowed to practise medicine. What a waste of all that training and effort; funded by the tax payers too. I really feel for him; he's such a nice bloke and an absolutely brilliant vet.
“Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are."
BY Paulo Coelho
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Pooneil »

A man says to his wife, "Darling, let's try swapping positions tonight…"
"That's a great idea," she replies, "why don't you stand behind the ironing board while I sit on the sofa, drink beer, and fart."
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piwacket
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by piwacket »

Oh yes Poo! :roflol3:
There's no such thing as a free lunch
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by piwacket »

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.
The 1st passenger said, " I am Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my
millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, " I am the newly elected U.S. President, and I am the
smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die." He took the 2nd pack and jumped
out of the plane.

The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10 year old schoolboy, "My son, I am an old man and I
don't have many years left, you have more years ahead of you so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The little boy said, "That's okay, Your Holiness, there is a parachute left for you. America's smartest President took my school bag."
There's no such thing as a free lunch
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Voiceoftreason?
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Voiceoftreason? »

I shouldn’t really, but LOL!
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Pooneil »

Subject: tickets for European Champions League Final

A friend of mine has two tickets for the Champions League Final. They are box seats, and include travel and hotel accommodation.
He didn't realize when he bought the tickets that this is the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.

If you're interested and want to go instead of him:
It's at St James's Church in Bootle at 3pm.
Her name is Susan.
She will be the one in the white dress.
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lizwing
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by lizwing »

:imao1:
“Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are."
BY Paulo Coelho
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Mayfield »

😀😀😀
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piwacket
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by piwacket »

These are really groany and you have probably heard them all before, but I thought it was time we all had a chuckle :)

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
……………………………………………………………….

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
……………………………………………………………………………

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
…………………………………………………………………………………

Patient: "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home’."

Doc: “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”

Patient: "Is it common?"

Doc: "It's not unusual ..."
…………………………………………………………………………….

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy
………………………………………………………………………..

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
…………………………………………………………………

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
………………………………………………………………………………..

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
……………………………………………………………………………….

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
…………………………………………………………………..

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
…………………………………………………………………………

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "oh Dam!"
…………………………………………………………………………………

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
…………………………………………………………

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I don’t want chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
………………………………………………………………………………………..

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
……………………………………………………………………….

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ... A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
…………………………………………………………………………….
There's no such thing as a free lunch
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lizwing
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by lizwing »

I laughed at them all but I particularly liked the one about the twins 😄
“Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are."
BY Paulo Coelho
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by piwacket »

lizwing wrote: 31 May 2018 20:10 I laughed at them all but I particularly liked the one about the twins 😄
I liked the one about the fish with no eyes.
There's no such thing as a free lunch
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Stewart »

A little girl was in a drawing lesson. She was six. She was at the back drawing. The teacher said she hardly ever paid attention but in this drawing class she did and the teacher was fascinated and she went over and she said "What are you drawing?" and the girl said "I'm drawing a picture of God" and the teacher said "but nobody knows what God looks like" and the girl said "They will in a minute"
Stewart
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lizwing
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by lizwing »

😊
“Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are."
BY Paulo Coelho
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Melchett »

I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace.
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Fed-up »

A parish priest was being honoured at a dinner on the 25th anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic. Sooo.....the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of this parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here 25 years ago, I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of understanding and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish," said the politician.

"In fact, I had the honour of being the first one to go to him in confession."
"Every place that I have been leaves its message on my skin. So many prophecies, so many signs, so little time, so little time" - Alan Prosser/Ian Telfer
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by piwacket »

:))
... in another 15 years or so, the police will start investigating....
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Re: Have a Laugh

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Not meant to offend anyone ,if it does although I cannot see why, well, then I'm sorry :)

Subject: Snowman

It Snowed Last Night..

8:00 am: I made a snowman.

8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.

8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .

8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.

8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 - TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.

9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.

9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.

Moral:

There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become all because of snowflakes.
There's no such thing as a free lunch
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piwacket
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by piwacket »

Not meant to offend anyone ,if it does although I cannot see why, well, then I'm sorry :)

Subject: Snowman

It Snowed Last Night..

8:00 am: I made a snowman.

8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.

8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .

8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.

8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 - TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.

9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.

9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.

Moral:

There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become all because of snowflakes.
There's no such thing as a free lunch
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lizwing
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by lizwing »

:clap3:
“Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are."
BY Paulo Coelho
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by BOY RACER »

Yes reminds me of the old joke of a young person busy making a snowman=

Passerby:- like your snowman.

Young boy:- it is not a snowman it is a snow woman”

Passerby:- how can you tell

Young boy:- Snow balls.
I may be a founder member of the “Grumpy Old Men’s Club” but I never complain. :whistle1:
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by carless-jane »

Oh bless you, is that a cold you've got ?
Nose snot !

(Yes, I was born in Bristle.)
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by coxy1937 »

Tinal Turnel is a Primal Donnal
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Hooped »

Ha, coxy, I remember being at a City v Rovers game in the '80s, when Paul Randall was called a primal donnal by a City fan sitting behind me. Made me laugh at the time and it's one of those things I've never forgotten.
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by lizwing »

IMG_4531.jpeg
“Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are."
BY Paulo Coelho
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