Have a Laugh

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piwacket
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by piwacket »

Aaaargh ".....
There's no such thing as a free lunch
C8H10N4O2

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by C8H10N4O2 »

piwacket wrote:Aaaargh ".....
Yeah...sorry Pi...I do forget that a Facebook "funnies" don't have quite the same impact elsewhere. :)

I must still chuckle though, as I re-read it. ... *snigger*
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mikejee
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by mikejee »

Is that a "funnie"?. Yet more reasons for not looking too much at Facebook,
Bushwhacker

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Bushwhacker »

I may have screwed up on my decoration

Image
C8H10N4O2

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by C8H10N4O2 »

Mammatus decor.
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Fed-up »

The world is full of apathy, but I don't care.
"Every place that I have been leaves its message on my skin. So many prophecies, so many signs, so little time, so little time" - Alan Prosser/Ian Telfer
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by shrinkingman »

An unnamed TV weatherman has been sacked for giving too many cold and gloomy forecasts.

No more mist and ice guy.
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lizwing
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by lizwing »

:roflol3:
“Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are."
BY Paulo Coelho
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Fed-up »

Did I tell you the story about the day I arrived home from work and discovered a gorilla sitting on my roof? Not knowing what to do, I opened the Yellow Pages and looked up "Gorilla Removal." I called the only listing. A man quickly arrived and removed the following equipment from his truck: a ladder, a bunch of bananas, a big stick, a pair of handcuffs, a Chihuahua and a gun.

As I was appropriately curious, I asked him what he was going to do with all that stuff. The man replied: "I'm going to use the ladder to get on the roof, then I'm going to throw the bananas to the gorilla. While he's busy eating them, I'm going to knock him off the roof with this stick. When he hits the ground the Chihuahua is going to bite him in the groin, at which time the gorilla will throw his hands in the air, and you slap the cuffs on him." I asked, "What about the gun?"

The man handed the gun to me and said, "Sometimes the gorilla knocks me off the roof. If that happens, you shoot the Chihuahua!"
"Every place that I have been leaves its message on my skin. So many prophecies, so many signs, so little time, so little time" - Alan Prosser/Ian Telfer
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blitheringidiot
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by blitheringidiot »

My girlfriends thinks that the sex on holiday is far better.


I didn't enjoy receiving that post card from her.
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Bam
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Bam »

Who fired the cannon?

The bishop :-)
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Bentley
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Bentley »

How do you know when the loonies have taken over?


When you read that Victoria Beckham has been honoured for-


"Her services to the fashion industry" :roflol3: :roflol3: :roflol3:
I did it my way.
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mikejee
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by mikejee »

I thought we already knew they had - after Brexit
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piwacket
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by piwacket »

mikejee wrote: 31 Dec 2016 23:17 I thought we already knew they had - after Brexit
Gggrrr! Wrong topic Mike :taz1:
There's no such thing as a free lunch
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by piwacket »

A chuckle for your day :)

For those who love the philosophy of ambiguity, as well as the idiosyncrasies of english, read on:

1. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila...... Floor.

2. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

3. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

4. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self- help section?" she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

5. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

6. Is there another word for synonym?

7. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

8. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

9. If the police arrest a mute, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

10. Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?

11. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those red triangular road signs?

12. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

13. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

14. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

15. How is it possible to have a civil war?

16. If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

17. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

18. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

19. Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have 's' in it?

20. Why is there an expiry date on sour cream?

21. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

22. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god?

23. Why do shops have signs, 'guide dogs only', the dogs can't read and their owners are blind?

24. Why is there only one monopolies commission?

25. What does an occasional table do the rest of the time?
There's no such thing as a free lunch
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Bam
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Bam »

:clap3: :-)
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Bentley
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Bentley »

Just bought a new strimmer, it's cutting edge technology :whistle1:
I did it my way.
Bushwhacker

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Bushwhacker »

Has anyone been to the zoo in Swindon? I went last week. it only has one animal...a dog
it's a shih tzu
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by shrinkingman »

You know you've got a weight problem when you're trying to buy a salad and the self-checkout says "unexpected item in bagging area".
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piwacket
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by piwacket »

To hopefully give a little giggle to brighten your day

Did I read that sign right?
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a second hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari parkI sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say? (was that GR?)
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be onto something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
---------------- ---------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
************************************************** *
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
************************************************** *
Hopefully you've smiled at least once...(maybe even a chuckle).
We all need a good laugh, at least once a day! I RECKON !!!!
There's no such thing as a free lunch
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Bam
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Bam »

All excellent Pi. Thanks. :clap2:
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by piwacket »

all may have seen some similar ones to these:

... I love the Motor bike complete with custom-made seats :roflol3: Encountering that on the 329M may be a challenge
zimg_013_13.jpg
Southern Rail gets crowded - but .....
zimg_018_18.jpg
Coming back from B & Q ?
zimg_009_9.jpg
Off to the Tip?
zimg_004_4.jpg
There's no such thing as a free lunch
isis the watcher

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by isis the watcher »

Daddy,Daddy why am i running around in circles . shut up son or i will nail you,r other foot to the floor .DA,DA, :mexwave: :lol6:
isis the watcher

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by isis the watcher »

One bright day in the middle of the night two dead men got up to fight back to back they faced each other drew out their swar :mexwave: :mexwave: :mexwave: :mexwave: ds and shot each other ,
isis the watcher

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by isis the watcher »

A woman said to her husband darling take of my shoes and stockings and babay you can take my dress and braoff too and ho baby take my knickers of thanks sexy ,don't you ever wear my clothes again. :whistle1: :lol6: :lol6: :lol6: :lol6: :lol6: :lol6: :facesmile: :facesmile: :facesmile:
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Pooneil »

This seems to be doing the rounds today. I'm sure some of them have been on here before, but I can't be bothered to weed out the repeats.

48 Incredibly Short, Clean Jokes That Are Actually Funny.

1. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

2. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

3. Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong"

4. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

5. What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.

6. I bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said "Thanks"
I said "Don't mention it"

7. I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.

8. I poured root beer in a square glass.
Now I just have beer.

9. What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

10. My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "no it doesn't"

11. And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life.
But John came fifth and won a toaster.

12. How many opticians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Is it one or two? One... or two?

13. What do we want?
Low flying airplane noises!
When do we want them?
NNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWWW.

14. What do you call a frenchman wearing sandals?
Phillipe Phillope.

15. What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.

16. What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?
A labracadabrador.

17. So what if I don't know what Armageddon means? It's not the end of the world.

18. How do you get two whales in a car? Start in England and drive west.

19. A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

20. Why did the old man fall in the well?
Because he couldn't see that well.

21. I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

22. This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

23. My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep.
I said "40"

24. I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It's shift work.

25. I went bobsleighing the other day, killed 250 bobs.

26. I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Toronto zoo.

27. What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.

28. Wife says to her programmer husband, "Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen."
Husband returns with 12 loaves of bread.

29. Communism jokes aren't funny unless everyone gets them.

30. What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?
Aye matey.

31. What do the movies titanic and the sixth sense have in common.
Icy dead people.

32. Knock Knock
Who's There?
Dishes
Dishes Who?
Dishes Sean Connery.

33. Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.

34. Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other "I need you to help me get to the other side!"
The other guy replies "You are on the other side!"

35. I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.

36. My friends say there's a gay guy in our circle of friends... I really hope it's Todd, he's cute.

37. People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones.
But people in Abu Dhabi do!

38. Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.
Bartender says "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line" Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

39. I've been told I'm condescending.
(that means I talk down to people)

40. How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool.

41. Before your criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and have their shoes.

42. What's ET short for?
He's only got little legs.

43. What's the difference between a dirty old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station the other one is a busty crustacean.

44. Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
They don’t meet the koalafications

45. It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

46. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

47. Some people think it's romantic to carve their names on trees in the park while on a date.
I'm more worried about why they're bringing a knife on their date.

48. 2 cows are grazing in a field. 1 cow says to the other, "You ever worry about that mad cow disease?". The other cow says, "Why would I care? I'm a helicopter!".
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by lizwing »

:clap3:
“Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are."
BY Paulo Coelho
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piwacket
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by piwacket »

Some good ones there Poo! :))
There's no such thing as a free lunch
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piwacket
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by piwacket »

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"
There's no such thing as a free lunch
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Pooneil »

It's that time of year when the list of the allegedly funniest jokes of the Edinburgh Fringe are published.

1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng

2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle

3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle

4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz

5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field

6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons

7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin

8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne

9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel

10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King

11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes

12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff

13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang

14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess

15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine
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piwacket
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by piwacket »

Ha - just read those in the paper Poo :))
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OLDMAN
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by OLDMAN »

Just had to post this one -

MAN RULES
AT LAST A BLOKE HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO WRITE THIS ALL DOWN
WE ALWAYS HEAR 'THE RULES' FROM THE FEMALE SIDE
NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE
THESE ARE OUR RULES!

1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.

2. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.

3. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.

4. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:
SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!

5. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.

6. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO. SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.

7. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT. IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.

8. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON'T ASK US.

9. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE.

10. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH.
IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.

11. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.

12. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE...

13. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS..
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.

14. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY 'NOTHING,' WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT
WORTH THE HASSLE.

15. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR..

16. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE...REALLY.

17. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS MOTORCYCLES.

18. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.

19. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.

20. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!

21. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT.. BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING...WITH AN ANGRY BEAR NEARBY.

PASS THIS TO AS MANY MEN AS YOU CAN - TO GIVE THEM A LAUGH...

PASS THIS TO AS MANY WOMEN AS YOU CAN - TO GIVE THEM A BIGGER LAUGH, BECAUSE ITS TRUE!
Oldman........

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they annoyed me........................

I hug everybody –
It’s not affection, I’m just measuring up how big a hole I need to dig for the body!
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by rolew »

OM have you got a death wish?
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piwacket
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by piwacket »

I Like This!

Eleven people, 10 men and 1 woman, were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She tearfully said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.








As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping . . .. . . .
There's no such thing as a free lunch
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lizwing
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Re: Have a Laugh

Post by lizwing »

:roflol3:
“Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are."
BY Paulo Coelho
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