Have a Laugh

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Constantin

Have a Laugh

Post by Constantin »

One of my friends sent me this message on Facebook a few days ago:

"Dear Constantin,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice.

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs are phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up.

My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

Around midnight, I decided to hide next to the garage behind my boat so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls". When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouching behind the boat, that I noticed that there were some hairline cracks in the gelcoat, right where the side meets the transom.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it over to the boat yard to have it repaired?"


I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. :lol2:
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h3mp
Super Contributor
Posts: 991
Joined: 14 Jan 2004 11:15

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by h3mp »

....i'm hoping the food at La Tasca is better than the comedy :carrot:
Mark. :drink7:
Constantin

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Constantin »

Well... I believe both of them depend on taste :-).
C8H10N4O2

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by C8H10N4O2 »

A brain goes into La Tasca and asks for a drink.
The bartender says "No, you're clearly out of your head".
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blitheringidiot
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Posts: 475
Joined: 01 May 2010 20:34

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by blitheringidiot »

I saw a horse sharing a field with a sheep the other day. I think they were Neigh-Baa's
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Jimmy Riddle
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Posts: 647
Joined: 21 Apr 2009 18:25

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Jimmy Riddle »

I accidently swallowed seven Scrabble tiles yesterday.
I’m scared to go to the loo because it might spell trouble…..
The road to hell is paved with good intentions.Image
Constantin

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Constantin »

If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
what does a humanitarian eat?
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OLDMAN
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Posts: 22063
Joined: 24 Oct 2007 09:03

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by OLDMAN »

I went into La Tasca the other day carrying some jump leads

They threw me out as they said I was looking to start something!
Oldman........

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they annoyed me........................

I hug everybody –
It’s not affection, I’m just measuring up how big a hole I need to dig for the body!
Constantin

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Constantin »

“I’m 63 now. But that’s just 17 Celsius.” – George Carlin
C8H10N4O2

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by C8H10N4O2 »

"I went on Safari last week, and on Thursday morning, just after sunrise, I shot a lion whilst in my pyjamas....
... what he was doing wearing my pyjamas I shall never know..."
(Uncle Arthur, Bewitched, 1965)
sammyboyscott

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by sammyboyscott »

One day a man went to the zoo,

When he got there he found they only had one animal!

It was a shih-tzu



loving this thread btw, keep em coming!
savagethegoat

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by savagethegoat »

I opened the door in my pyjamsa the other morning. Odd place for a door...
Les

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Les »

Yes, but don't get in a flap about it Mr Goat!
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lizwing
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Posts: 15064
Joined: 01 Sep 2010 12:21

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by lizwing »

Sheep are very intelligent,in a test a sheep recognised 57of it's fellow flock. It would have been more but it fell asleep.
“Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are."
BY Paulo Coelho
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shrinkingman
Super Contributor
Posts: 799
Joined: 20 Feb 2008 13:09

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by shrinkingman »

My girlfriend asked me how many women I'd ever slept with.

In hindsight I probably should have stopped when I got to her.
savagethegoat

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by savagethegoat »

shrinkingman wrote:My girlfriend asked me how many women I'd ever slept with.

In hindsight I probably should have stopped when I got to her.
standard answer should be "very few of them".... and try not to yawn when you say it...
Constantin

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Constantin »

In God we trust; all others must pay cash.
Constantin

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Constantin »

Image
Constantin

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Constantin »

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one. But the light bulb must REALLY want to change.
Constantin

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Constantin »

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.

So... he told the associate pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say mass for him that day.

As soon as the associate pastor left the room, father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away.

This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone.

After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.

It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished.

He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?" :-)
Constantin

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Constantin »

Image
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piwacket
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Posts: 31370
Joined: 15 Aug 2006 22:05

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by piwacket »

Loved the parrot! :)
There's no such thing as a free lunch
Constantin

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Constantin »

Image
johnw102

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by johnw102 »

A tourist walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop. After
looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a
rat.

It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided
to buy it anyway.

He took it to the owner and said: "How much is this bronze
rat?"

The owner replied: "It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the
story."

The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said: "I'll just take
the rat, you can keep the story."

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real
rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him.

This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a
little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to
hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed and ran on towards the beach, and as
he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their
MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster.

By now very concerned, he ran down the pier and threw the
bronze rat far out into the water.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water
after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner,
who said: "Ah, you've come back for the story then?"

"No," said the tourist, "I came back to see if you've got a
bronze of, a Manchester United supporter, and anything French!"
Constantin

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Constantin »

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
Constantin

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Constantin »

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I intend to live forever - so far so good.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
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OLDMAN
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Posts: 22063
Joined: 24 Oct 2007 09:03

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by OLDMAN »

Just came back from the holiday of a lifetime

Don’t think I will bother going again!
Oldman........

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they annoyed me........................

I hug everybody –
It’s not affection, I’m just measuring up how big a hole I need to dig for the body!
Constantin

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Constantin »

Image
C8H10N4O2

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by C8H10N4O2 »

Ironically, Grockles (Cornish : locals) are ill-advised to laugh at Tourists...however much they deserve it.
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shrinkingman
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Posts: 799
Joined: 20 Feb 2008 13:09

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by shrinkingman »

Actually, Grockles is widely used to describe tourists, not locals. Emmets is also used in Cornwall to describe tourists, it's believed to be a dialect word for ants.
Rosemary

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Rosemary »

Shrinkingman - I was interested to read that 'emmet' is a cornish word. My grandmother who was born and bred in Reading, as were a couple of generations before her, would always refer to ants as emmets (although I am unsure how she would have spelled the word) - I wonder where she got the word from!
Les

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by Les »

Rosemary, Have you been able to go back any more past generations? Maybe that there is some Cornish blood somewhere in the genes, or maybe someone from a past generation spent some time in Cornwall
I have a young friend who is blessed with a middle name of 'Cornish' because she was born in that county.
savagethegoat

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by savagethegoat »

C8H10N4O2 wrote:Ironically, Grockles (Cornish : locals) are ill-advised to laugh at Tourists...however much they deserve it.
its my belief that the Grockles are actually the Tourists in Cornwall...
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shrinkingman
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Joined: 20 Feb 2008 13:09

Re: Have a Laugh

Post by shrinkingman »

I understand that grockles is a West Devon word for tourists but it's spread further than that. I've heard it in several places on the south coast, at least as far as Bournemouth. See also http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=grockle
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